Marriage Advice

My husband and I are going on 2 1/2 years of marriage - not any record, but I think most would consider us to be out of the 'newlywed' phase. I was asked by a friend about a year or so ago about any advice I could give her concerning marriage, as she was newly engaged. I couldn't think of too much to tell her. I think the majority of my advice was about learning to live with and share your bank account with someone who might have different habits than you - in their daily routines, as well as their spending habits (neither of us were living with our husbands before marrying them and neither of us were sharing a bank account beforehand, but were afterward). I think I talked about budgeting together with your spouse before the marriage or at the very beginning before frustration might arise over the other's ideas about spending. Not the worst advice in the world, I guess, but definitely nothing mind-blowing...

Well, for whatever reason, that question came back into my mind today - at this juncture, after a year has gone by and lots of life changes have occurred, how would I answer that question? I still don't consider myself anywhere close to an expert on creating a great marriage, and to be completely honest, most of what I've learned and most of the advice I would probably be able to give would be based on mistakes I've made up to this point.

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So, what advice would I give?

I think I would start at the very beginning of the marriage with the vows. My husband and I wrote the message that the pastor spoke at our wedding - every word...well, every word BUT the vows... What a strange thing to leave out! We knew they needed to be in there and we wanted there to be vows, but told the pastor, "just go with the normal vows..." I don't even think we read over or talked about what the vows would say... Now, looking back, I cannot understand why we left that part to just be decided upon by someone else, but put together an entire speech on what marriage means and a comparison between the love of a husband and wife and the love of Christ for His church... What were we thinking! Since when did the sermon at a wedding become more important than the vows - the promises - the husband and wife were making to each other for eternity! I don't know why we did that the way we did. I remember briefly discussing whether or not we wanted to write our own vows a couple of weeks before the wedding, and we decided that the normal ones are what we would say anyway, and frankly, we didn't feel there was enough time to do them well - granted we were both taking a full load of Summer classes and planning a wedding in 3 months in a different city - but regardless, why wouldn't the vows have taken precedence! I'm not saying that we didn't view marriage as a commitment - in fact, we definitely did and do - but we simply thought we would end up with pretty much the same vows as the normal ones anyway, so we didn't bother with it.

So, my first words of advice: Write your own vows. They don't even have to sound much different from the cookie-cutter vows a pastor has on a notecard in his bible, but never needs to reference during a wedding because he has said them more times than he can count. They could be the exact same promises - BUT, they would be YOURS - promises you have pondered over, dwelled upon and ultimately decided were the promises YOU were planning to uphold for the rest of your life/marriage with the person you are standing next to/across from at the altar on your wedding day. Those kind of vows would be something to come back to, to remind yourself of, to vow again and again to one another and to comfort and reassure one another with in difficult times. Those vows would be the type you could paint on your master bedroom walls. Those vows are ones you can cherish. Ones you can trust. I'm not suggesting I don't believe, trust, and value the vows my husband and I made on our wedding day... When we entered marriage we knew what we were promising one another. We had discussed what I would consider vows to one another - I just wish we'd done the writing on that part and that those vows were in our own words - if nothing else, for the process of processing and further pondering it all beforehand. What a great practice before marriage, to sit alone and dwell on what promises you are making to your soon-to-be spouse as you place that wedding ring on his/her finger! To remove yourself from the planning of the event of a wedding and ponder the promises of your marriage!

Another thing about vows: I don't think we can allow our initial vows to fall to the wayside over the years, because that's what they are: vows that we commit to for "as long as we both shall live;" however, I do think vows can be added over the years as we grow and learn about ourselves and each other in marriage if we feel like doing that. There is a trend of "renewing" vows, but what if we remembered them every year. What if on our anniversary each year we each read other our vows that we committed to one another on our wedding day and any others that we may have added over time throughout our marriage and said again that we affirm those vows and will continue to uphold them going into this new year together? What if we pulled out that piece of paper and said those vows all over again each and every year? What if over time we came to know them so well that we didn't need to pull out the piece of paper? What if they became written on our hearts? What if we woke up every single morning and renewed and remembered our vows to one another - whether in good times or bad, in sickness or in health, in poverty or in prosperity, in a time of struggle or a time of marital bliss/joy? What if every day of our marriage we reminded the other and ourselves of our promises to one another? Would it change our interactions? Would it change our thoughts of our spouses throughout the day? Would we maybe feel a little more like we did the day we were married and first said those most important vows and promises to one another with tear-filled eyes?

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I'll have to think some more on what other advice I might pass along based on what I've learned throughout my marriage so far, but I think I would start there, at the very beginning - "a very good place to start," according to Julie Andrews.

What to do with All that After-Halloween Candy

So, being in a new house, we overestimated the amount of trick-or-treaters we would have this year - by a lot. My husband and I definitely don't need all the candy we have left over in our house. He took a bag of about half of it to work today to try to get people there to take it. To use the candy we have left in our house we are planning to invite the neighbors over for halloween candy s'mores. Instead of going out and buying the chocolate for s'mores we'll make our own unique types with kit kat bars and snickers...maybe even trying out the reese's cups. Hopefully it'll be a great way to get to know our neighbors a little better (some we just met last night as they brought their kids around for trick-or-treating), and also a great way to maybe get rid of some more of this candy!