Marriage Advice

My husband and I are going on 2 1/2 years of marriage - not any record, but I think most would consider us to be out of the 'newlywed' phase. I was asked by a friend about a year or so ago about any advice I could give her concerning marriage, as she was newly engaged. I couldn't think of too much to tell her. I think the majority of my advice was about learning to live with and share your bank account with someone who might have different habits than you - in their daily routines, as well as their spending habits (neither of us were living with our husbands before marrying them and neither of us were sharing a bank account beforehand, but were afterward). I think I talked about budgeting together with your spouse before the marriage or at the very beginning before frustration might arise over the other's ideas about spending. Not the worst advice in the world, I guess, but definitely nothing mind-blowing...

Well, for whatever reason, that question came back into my mind today - at this juncture, after a year has gone by and lots of life changes have occurred, how would I answer that question? I still don't consider myself anywhere close to an expert on creating a great marriage, and to be completely honest, most of what I've learned and most of the advice I would probably be able to give would be based on mistakes I've made up to this point.

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So, what advice would I give?

I think I would start at the very beginning of the marriage with the vows. My husband and I wrote the message that the pastor spoke at our wedding - every word...well, every word BUT the vows... What a strange thing to leave out! We knew they needed to be in there and we wanted there to be vows, but told the pastor, "just go with the normal vows..." I don't even think we read over or talked about what the vows would say... Now, looking back, I cannot understand why we left that part to just be decided upon by someone else, but put together an entire speech on what marriage means and a comparison between the love of a husband and wife and the love of Christ for His church... What were we thinking! Since when did the sermon at a wedding become more important than the vows - the promises - the husband and wife were making to each other for eternity! I don't know why we did that the way we did. I remember briefly discussing whether or not we wanted to write our own vows a couple of weeks before the wedding, and we decided that the normal ones are what we would say anyway, and frankly, we didn't feel there was enough time to do them well - granted we were both taking a full load of Summer classes and planning a wedding in 3 months in a different city - but regardless, why wouldn't the vows have taken precedence! I'm not saying that we didn't view marriage as a commitment - in fact, we definitely did and do - but we simply thought we would end up with pretty much the same vows as the normal ones anyway, so we didn't bother with it.

So, my first words of advice: Write your own vows. They don't even have to sound much different from the cookie-cutter vows a pastor has on a notecard in his bible, but never needs to reference during a wedding because he has said them more times than he can count. They could be the exact same promises - BUT, they would be YOURS - promises you have pondered over, dwelled upon and ultimately decided were the promises YOU were planning to uphold for the rest of your life/marriage with the person you are standing next to/across from at the altar on your wedding day. Those kind of vows would be something to come back to, to remind yourself of, to vow again and again to one another and to comfort and reassure one another with in difficult times. Those vows would be the type you could paint on your master bedroom walls. Those vows are ones you can cherish. Ones you can trust. I'm not suggesting I don't believe, trust, and value the vows my husband and I made on our wedding day... When we entered marriage we knew what we were promising one another. We had discussed what I would consider vows to one another - I just wish we'd done the writing on that part and that those vows were in our own words - if nothing else, for the process of processing and further pondering it all beforehand. What a great practice before marriage, to sit alone and dwell on what promises you are making to your soon-to-be spouse as you place that wedding ring on his/her finger! To remove yourself from the planning of the event of a wedding and ponder the promises of your marriage!

Another thing about vows: I don't think we can allow our initial vows to fall to the wayside over the years, because that's what they are: vows that we commit to for "as long as we both shall live;" however, I do think vows can be added over the years as we grow and learn about ourselves and each other in marriage if we feel like doing that. There is a trend of "renewing" vows, but what if we remembered them every year. What if on our anniversary each year we each read other our vows that we committed to one another on our wedding day and any others that we may have added over time throughout our marriage and said again that we affirm those vows and will continue to uphold them going into this new year together? What if we pulled out that piece of paper and said those vows all over again each and every year? What if over time we came to know them so well that we didn't need to pull out the piece of paper? What if they became written on our hearts? What if we woke up every single morning and renewed and remembered our vows to one another - whether in good times or bad, in sickness or in health, in poverty or in prosperity, in a time of struggle or a time of marital bliss/joy? What if every day of our marriage we reminded the other and ourselves of our promises to one another? Would it change our interactions? Would it change our thoughts of our spouses throughout the day? Would we maybe feel a little more like we did the day we were married and first said those most important vows and promises to one another with tear-filled eyes?

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I'll have to think some more on what other advice I might pass along based on what I've learned throughout my marriage so far, but I think I would start there, at the very beginning - "a very good place to start," according to Julie Andrews.

What to do with All that After-Halloween Candy

So, being in a new house, we overestimated the amount of trick-or-treaters we would have this year - by a lot. My husband and I definitely don't need all the candy we have left over in our house. He took a bag of about half of it to work today to try to get people there to take it. To use the candy we have left in our house we are planning to invite the neighbors over for halloween candy s'mores. Instead of going out and buying the chocolate for s'mores we'll make our own unique types with kit kat bars and snickers...maybe even trying out the reese's cups. Hopefully it'll be a great way to get to know our neighbors a little better (some we just met last night as they brought their kids around for trick-or-treating), and also a great way to maybe get rid of some more of this candy!

What a day...

Have you ever had a day that was just overwhelming nearly from the very start? Sometimes I don't even know WHY a day seems to be so overwhelming. Sometimes there is nothing really different about one day from the other, but my ability to handle the issues and stresses of the day - though completely normal and average for my life - is so much less than on another extremely similar day. Some days I feel so competent and as if I could change the world and change my baby's diaper all at the same time; other days I feel like I can hardly manage to form a complete sentence or walk up the stairs without tripping and dropping the enormous amount of baggage I carry around as a mother (btw, the bruises on my ribs, knee, hand, and chest from this morning's fall up the stairs at church are killing me).

Well, today has been a rough one so far, and I really can't tell you why. Nothing has gone terribly wrong in my life - my husband didn't lose or quit his job, my house wasn't broken into, my child isn't sick, my car didn't break down...in fact, several positive things have happened - I got up early and got ready and got my son ready in time to drive my husband to work for his 7:30AM meeting and go on from there to Starbucks to catch up on my reading and homework before my 9AM bible study (maybe trying to fit too much "catching up" into too little of a time had something to do with my overwhelmed feeling), I went to bible study and really enjoyed the discussion and the video by Beth Moore (we're doing the Esther study by her - I highly recommend it for any women reading this), and I came home and fed my son. A nice man helped me to my car (with my numerous bags and baby in a carseat) and watched my things while I went to the bathroom to change Roman's diaper at Starbucks; He even took a picture of me with my son on my phone sitting at Starbucks. He told me about his two daughters and we had a good little chit-chat. Another sweet old woman came up and talked to me for a little while there, as well (there is something inviting about a baby - sometimes it invites positive interactions, such as those I had today, and sometimes it attracts negative glares; still other times you meet people who step over the line with unwarranted advice or simple annoyances, such as waking your FINALLY sleeping baby).

Another thing I noticed today that just hit me out of nowhere (although, I shouldn't be surprised it has happened nearly every time I've gone to bible study) is how much I can miss my 4 month old son when I'm away from him for only an hour or two. It's ridiculous. It is such a crazy feeling - like a part of me is missing. It's a strange, almost anxious feeling to get back to him and be together again. I LOVE the bible study I'm in, but at the same time, about half-way through I start to get that homesick feeling from being without my son. It's so strange how a tiny baby who has only been in your life - in life at all, for that matter - for such a short time can become such a part of a person's definition of themselves...You really never know what paretnhood is like until you experience it yourself. No one could have described these feelings in a way that I could have fully understood before I had these experiences for myself - and I'm sure I can't describe them to others who are not in this situation or have not been in the past. Life is funny that way. Our descriptions and explanations of things fall way short of fully describing them. So, I know that when people tell me of situations they have been in that I have not experienced, I probably don't really understand the emotions and thoughts they are experiencing, no matter how well they explain it and how hard they try to get it through my head. I need to trust that it's deeper than I can understand when I try to reach out to someone in a situation separate from my own. It's great to reach out, but to say I "get it" or "understand" would really be a misstatement.

4 months old

In two days my son will be 4 months old. 4 months! Where has all the time gone! On the other hand, look at how much my life has changed! I can hardly remember life without him.

Why does that happen? When something big happens in life, I often feel like it's been forever and just yesterday all at the same time. I guess it's just because it's such a large adjustment/change that you jump right into it physically and psychologically, but it is also such a big change that the beginning of it is more memorable than the average day.

I can hardly believe that almost 2 months ago we closed on our house and moved here. I feel like we just celebrated 1 month here. The 2nd month definitely went quicker than the first. And I can't believe that that means Roman has spent half of his life here already! In his first 2 months of his life we lived in 4 different towns/cities, and we've been here that same amount of time. Only two more months until Christmas! Wow (and YIKES...there are so many projects to get done around here before then!)!

What has changed since Roman was born?

• Well, we had a baby, for starters! ;-)
• We got out all the baby stuff he needed for a week, then we packed it all back up...
• We took him to small group and church and a few doctor's appointments for me and for him, then we said goodbye to all of our friends in Lafayette.
• We moved down to Indianapolis to stay with my parents.
• My husband started a new job.
• We got up to feed him at midnight, at 3AM, at 6AM...you get the picture...
• We celebrated Kendra's graduation from high school and her send-off to college (Crazy!) :-)
• He had his first bath in a tub, his first stroller ride, his first party, his first trip to a winery, his first garage sales...
• He started holding his head up, putting weight on his legs, grabbing for toys...
• We packed up.
• We moved again.
• We celebrated 1 month since he was born.
• He started lifting his head up, smiling at us, cooing, walking with our support...
• We packed up.
• We moved.
• Finally...into our house! 
• He grew, and grew, and grew...
• We survived the colic (after about 2 1/2 months)! 
• We painted...and painted...and painted...and painted...
• We started going to a church in town.
• We took him to the church nursery and crossed our fingers that he wouldn't be too bad...
• And he loved it! Now he can't get enough of the church nursery.
• He started rolling over from his back to his stomach (never to sleep on his back again).
• One or two days later, he started rolling from his stomach to his back.
• Done with those milestones, and many, many more.
• He plays with toys and scoots around the room; he jumps in his jumper and laughs out loud. 
• We finally found something that works for the GERD, and now he only spits up some at each feeding (and it only took 3 1/2 months...)!

There are a million bullets missing from this list, but you get the picture: a lot has happened! I'm sure many of you have similar experiences from your lives where more than you could imagine was crammed in a very short time frame. What a whirlwind adventure it's been so far! Here's to 4 more months for me to look back on and wonder where the time went!

:-)

Some of My Old Poems

I stumbled upon this blog today from my info page on facebook. I forgot I had even created this (I remember writing the poems, of course, but forgot I had put them in a blog). Interesting thing to run across and read through. It's been years since I wrote any of these, but just thought I'd share:

http://jjamiesopoetry.blogspot.com/

What are we singing?!?!

I put a DVD in the DVD player today that someone gave my son when he was born. It's part of a great series of DVDs which focuses on using music combined with visual stimulation to engage and teach children from birth on. Great! 

Well, as I was singing along and dancing around in front of my son, I started to listen to the words. Although I've known the origins of some of these songs in the past and found it odd, I never thought too much about them, but for some reason it bothered me more today. 

Read these words to some of the most popular nursery rhymes we sing to our children today:

"Ring around the rosy,

A pocket full of posies,

Ashes, Ashes,

We all fall down!"

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"Rock a bye baby on the tree top,

When the wind blows the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all."

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"London Bridge is falling down,

Falling down, falling down,

London Bridge is falling down,

My fair lady.

Build it up with wood and clay,
Wood and clay, wood and clay,
Build it up with wood and clay,
My fair lady.

Wood and clay will wash away,
Wash away, wash away,
Wood and clay will wash away,
My fair lady.

Build it up with bricks and mortar,
Bricks and mortar, bricks and mortar,
Build it up with bricks and mortar,
My fair lady.

Bricks and mortar will not stay,
Will not stay, will not stay,
Bricks and mortar will not stay,
My fair lady.

Build it up with iron and steel,
Iron and steel, iron and steel,
Build it up with iron and steel,
My fair lady.

Iron and steel will bend and bow,
Bend and bow, bend and bow,
Iron and steel will bend and bow,
My fair lady.

Build it up with silver and gold,
Silver and gold, silver and gold,
Build it up with silver and gold,
My fair lady.

Silver and gold will be stolen away,
Stolen away, stolen away,
Silver and gold will be stolen away,
My fair lady.

Set a man to watch all night,
Watch all night, watch all night,
Set a man to watch all night,
My fair lady.

Suppose the man should fall asleep,
Fall asleep, fall asleep,
Suppose the man should fall asleep?
My fair lady.

Give him a pipe to smoke all night,
Smoke all night, smoke all night,
Give him a pipe to smoke all night,
My fair lady."

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Ring Around the Rosy - I have sung and danced to this upbeat nursery rhyme more times that I can count in my life. I can't even remember when I learned it. Maybe you've heard that this song supposedly refers to the Bubonic Plague (Black Death) that killed around 75 million people (30-60% of the entire population) in Europe during the 14th century[1]. I had heard this before too, but today it really hit me that those aren't just numbers, but rather, people! 75 million PEOPLE died a terrible death due to an outbreak of a disease, and we have a sing-song nursery rhyme which ends in us "all fall(ing) down," as if to die like the millions of people in Europe who died during this outbreak. YIKES! 

Ring around the rosy is said to be referring to the red sores, which looked as if they had a ring around them, that people who contracted this disease would get on their bodies. A pocket full of posies refers to sweet-smelling packets to either ward off the smell from the disease or to keep the disease from spreading (based on the incorrect idea that the disease was spread through a foul odor it caused). Ashes, Ashes, burning bodies of those whose lives were lost to this disease...

We all fall down - the entire population of Europe may have died if it weren't for a great fire that killed the rats who carried this disease...

First off, it seems to me very disrespectful of all those human lives that were lost (shouldn't we be helping our children to learn to value human life). Secondly, I don't want my baby to grow up singing a song and playing a game (so to speak) where they pretend to die at the end due to the symptoms of a terrible disease. How scary to think of that happening today to our children! 

Rock-A-Bye Baby - There are a couple of stories I found when researching this nursery rhyme, but neither were related to a child falling from a tree; However, regardless of whether or not there is a connection to history in this nursery rhyme, does it really seem comforting to sing our babies to sleep with a song that end in a baby falling from a tree?! I don't think that would comfort me! 

London Bridge is Falling Down - Thankfully, this song does not mention anything about injury or death, but it is said to be based upon the difficulties that were experienced in London with building and re-building a bridge over and over...and over again because of destruction by vikings and several other destructive events[2]. How disappointing for those who built that bridge...again and again... I don"t want to instill fear of bridges in my son when we live in a town with several of them! But hey, at least it teaches our kids that if they smoke a pipe they'll be able to stay up all night and get their job done!

There are others ("Humpty Dumpty," "Baa Baa Black Sheep," and "Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary" come to mind), but this is a sampling of some of the nursery rhymes I came across that send strange or negative messages to our children (or are based upon negative situations in the history of the world).

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Anyway, I get that the vast majority of the time, we sing these songs without thinking about the words or what they mean and that all of this is done in fun (I also get that there is some speculation as to whether or not all of these nursery rhymes are based upon these historical events or not). I'm not condemning anyone for singing these songs and dancing around with their kids, I just wish our nursery rhymes could be more innocent and hold more positive messages. 

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Here are some nursery rhymes that send positive messages. I want to try to focus on songs likes these when I sing to my son:

The more we get together,

Together, together;

The more we get together,

The happier we'll be.

'Cause your friends are my friends,

And my friends are your friends.

The more we get together,

The happier we'll be.

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.

If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it.

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.

(...Stamp your feet.)

(...Snap your fingers.)

(...Shout hurray!)

Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world,

Red and yellow, black and white,

They are precious in His sight,

Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream,

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream.

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There are other nursery rhymes with neutral messages, but that teach babies and children, as well, such as:

"Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and "The Hokey Pokey"

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References: 

1 - http://www.rhymes.org.uk/ring_around_the_rosy.htm

2 - http://www.rhymes.org.uk/london-bridge-is-falling-down.htm

The STRONG Opinions of Mothers

I have realized since having my son - well, really since I became pregnant with my son - how incredibly opinionated mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, can sometimes be about the countless choices we need to make for our children - as babies and as they grow older. I think it is great for mothers to be passionate about things that can help our children to succeed, to be happy and healthy and everything else, but do we have to go to the extent of condemning other mothers for making different choices than we have? I agree there are some things that are better for a baby's health than others, there are things we can do to help our babies to grow strong and healthy, there are ways we can encourage development, but to go to the extent of judging others for their choices as mothers is going too far! There is no one right answer for all the "right" things to do when raising a child. People make choices about how to raise their children based on their lives, their feelings, their thoughts, their research, and their children...it is not up to us to make them feel guilty for a choice they probably spent countless hours wondering about and researching and wrestling with and trying to decide upon.

If you are anything like me, every choice - from taking medication during pregnancy to not taking medication and suffering from dehydration and malnutrition, from whether to use a pacifier or not, from breastfeeding exclusively to bottle feeding breastmilk to formula feeding, from giving your child medications to help with issues to waiting to see if problems will them solve themselves to using more natural remedies, from circumcising to not circumcising male children, from using disposable diapers to using cloth diapers, from putting a baby in the nursery to hiring a babysitter to keeping him with you wherever you go, from demand-feeding to clock feeding, from going in to check on a baby whenever he cries to leaving him for a while to learn to self-soothe - is something you pour over reading material and discuss with others and ponder over and, eventually, make a choice on. I may not have made all the same choices as you have, and some of the choices I did make in the beginning have changed.

If I've learned anything from parenthood so far, it would be that what we decide on paper or in thought may not always end up being the best choice for our child. There have been a few times already in Roman's short life of three months that I have had small crises over the fact that what I had researched and decided upon and was so sure of and adamant about turned out to not be best for him, or in one case to be nearly impossible for him. It was extremely difficult to part with my initial decisions and to accept a new line of thought on those issues, and in some cases I have probably hesitated longer than I should have simply because I thought I knew what was best for him based on my research, not my analysis of what was happening in reality and how my baby was responding to certain choices I had made before he was even born.

Babies are unique. Families are unique. Mothers are unique. We should have the right to make a choice based on what we have learned and experienced and how we feel and how our lives run without having to answer to all the other moms out there. We should be able to make a choice and not feel we have to hide in shame over what we have chosen. As mothers we experience enough self-imposed guilt of our own; we don't need other mothers' help with that. We don't need someone to tell us after we have made a difficult decision concerning our children that we made the wrong choice. We make the choices that are best for us and best for our children. Many times we wish we could make a different decision, but life dictates differently, such as when a child is unable to breastfeed. Don't pile more guilt onto a woman who already feels inadequate as a mother. Don't cause more unjustified tears; Mothers, in general, do a good enough job of this on their own.